I want out of my self-destructive cycle. I blame myself entirely.
Because I’m taking all the blame, taking all the responsibility, I’m also taking all the power to fix it.
How it started…
My dad died when I was young. My mom spent the rest of my childhood in depression… usually locked in her darkened bedroom. My (five-year) older brother was never around and left the house permanently as soon as he was able. I don’t blame him.
So basically, I was on my own. I was alone.
I had a roof over my head and cereal in the cupboard, but I raised myself.
I managed to fall in love and get married, but after twenty years, he decided he didn’t want to be married anymore.
I don’t understand why.
The divorce killed me. I loved him very much and trusted that we would always be together. Always take care of each other. Always love each other.
I still love him. I still miss him. I still cry for him.
We did not have children, and I’ve been alone now for five years. I’ve unsuccessfully dated two men, each lasting around five months, give or take.
I want to find love again.
In this five years away from my husband, I’ve managed to create a stable career in health and fitness.
I’m a personal trainer.
I’ve discovered that my work isn’t only about helping people physically, I help them emotionally too.
It appears I know how to help other people… but I don’t know how to help myself.
Is my ex holding me back? Did the divorce cause me to lack relationship confidence? Have I found comfort in loneliness, similar to my childhood?
I’m at a crossroads… Do I keep trying, or am I happier single?