Lucky for me, I like my alone time. There’s been a lot of it.
At times I’m not sure what to do with myself… Should I watch TV? Get back on Match? Rearrange my living room? Call an ex? Try to find my brother? Hang out with a friend? Take a nap? Go for a workout? Run? (I don’t run, but I’d like to try.) Do some online shopping? The list goes on…
Instead, I journal and listen to music.
As much as I want love, there is no point in me trying to find him right now. It wouldn’t work. I’m a mess. I wouldn’t be able to connect, because I’m so disconnected from myself.
I’m on my way out of town for work. I’m hoping the change of scene will be good for me.
I won’t have time to think about lost love… future love…
I want out of my self-destructive cycle. I blame myself entirely.
Because I’m taking all the blame, taking all the responsibility, I’m also taking all the power to fix it.
How it started…
My dad died when I was young. My mom spent the rest of my childhood in depression… usually locked in her darkened bedroom. My (five-year) older brother was never around and left the house permanently as soon as he was able. I don’t blame him.
So basically, I was on my own. I was alone.
I had a roof over my head and cereal in the cupboard, but I raised myself.
I managed to fall in love and get married but after twenty years, he decided he didn’t want to be married anymore.
We did not have children.
The divorce killed me. I loved him very much and trusted that we would always be together. Always take care of each other. Always love each other.
I’ve been alone now for five years. I’ve unsuccessfully dated two men, each lasting around five months, give or take.
Now, I’m at a crossroads… Am I happier single?