I’m Back On Line… Dating

I’ve been dating. Mainly coffee meetings, calls and texts.

I’m fine with that for now.

I’m not really sure what I want and until I figure that out, is there really a point in any of this?

Maybe it all comes down to distraction…

Maybe I want a man to keep me from my dreams and goals.

Maybe I’ve lost sight of what I want, my career, MY future.

Maybe I’ve lost sight of how amazing I am.

Maybe I want a man to think I’m amazing… but how can he, if I don’t think I’m amazing?

Eve

Back From My Eventful Trip, Work Romance?

Loved the getaway!

A work friend was hoping to have a fling (or maybe more) with me.

We had dinner together. Tempting… Single. Muscular. Attractive. Intriguing. Very intriguing… but still, no.

I’m trying to keep my life simple. I don’t want drama and I don’t want to mix my personal life with work. I love my work. I don’t ever want to feel uncomfortable at work. We will remain friends and co-workers.

Since returning from my trip, I have focused on my home and to-do list. I’m in a great place right now. I’m caught up! Yay!

But with that comes… boredom, loneliness…

So, I’m back online.

We’ll see…

Eve

 

I Like Being Alone

Lucky for me, I like my alone time. There’s been a lot of it.

At times I’m not sure what to do with myself… Should I watch TV? Get back on Match? Rearrange my living room? Call an ex? Try to find my brother? Hang out with a friend? Take a nap? Go for a workout? Run? (I don’t run, but I’d like to try.) Do some online shopping? The list goes on…

Instead, I journal and listen to music.

As much as I want love, there is no point in me trying to find him right now. It wouldn’t work. I’m a mess. I wouldn’t be able to connect, because I’m so disconnected from myself.

I’m on my way out of town for work. I’m hoping the change of scene will be good for me.

I won’t have time to think about lost love… future love…

Eve

 

Family and Depression… In the Beginning

I want out of my self-destructive cycle. I blame myself entirely.

Because I’m taking all the blame, taking all the responsibility, I’m also taking all the power to fix it.

How it started…

My dad died when I was young. My mom spent the rest of my childhood in depression… usually locked in her darkened bedroom. My (five-year) older brother was never around and left the house permanently as soon as he was able. I don’t blame him.

So basically, I was on my own. I was alone.

I had a roof over my head and cereal in the cupboard, but I raised myself.

I managed to fall in love and get married, but after twenty years, he decided he didn’t want to be married anymore.

I don’t understand why.

The divorce killed me. I loved him very much and trusted that we would always be together. Always take care of each other. Always love each other.

I still love him. I still miss him. I still cry for him.

We did not have children, and I’ve been alone now for five years. I’ve unsuccessfully dated two men, each lasting around five months, give or take.

I want to find love again.

In this five years away from my husband, I’ve managed to create a stable career in health and fitness.

I’m a personal trainer.

I’ve discovered that my work isn’t only about helping people physically, I help them emotionally too.

It appears I know how to help other people… but I don’t know how to help myself.

Is my ex holding me back? Did the divorce cause me to lack relationship confidence? Have I found comfort in loneliness, similar to my childhood?

I’m at a crossroads… Do I keep trying, or am I happier single?

Eve