I’m Back On Line… Dating

I’ve been dating. Mainly coffee meetings, calls and texts.

I’m fine with that for now.

I’m not really sure what I want and until I figure that out, is there really a point in any of this?

Maybe it all comes down to distraction…

Maybe I want a man to keep me from my dreams and goals.

Maybe I’ve lost sight of what I want, my career, MY future.

Maybe I’ve lost sight of how amazing I am.

Maybe I want a man to think I’m amazing… but how can he, if I don’t think I’m amazing?

Eve

Back From My Eventful Trip, Work Romance?

Loved the getaway!

A work friend was hoping to have a fling (or maybe more) with me.

We had dinner together. Tempting… Single. Muscular. Attractive. Intriguing. Very intriguing… but still, no.

I’m trying to keep my life simple. I don’t want drama and I don’t want to mix my personal life with work. I love my work. I don’t ever want to feel uncomfortable at work. We will remain friends and co-workers.

Since returning from my trip, I have focused on my home and to-do list. I’m in a great place right now. I’m caught up! Yay!

But with that comes… boredom, loneliness…

So, I’m back online.

We’ll see…

Eve

 

I Like Being Alone

Lucky for me, I like my alone time. There’s been a lot of it.

At times I’m not sure what to do with myself… Should I watch TV? Get back on Match? Rearrange my living room? Call an ex? Try to find my brother? Hang out with a friend? Take a nap? Go for a workout? Run? (I don’t run, but I’d like to try.) Do some online shopping? The list goes on…

Instead, I journal and listen to music.

As much as I want love, there is no point in me trying to find him right now. It wouldn’t work. I’m a mess. I wouldn’t be able to connect, because I’m so disconnected from myself.

I’m on my way out of town for work. I’m hoping the change of scene will be good for me.

I won’t have time to think about lost love… future love…

Eve

 

The Men I’ve Dated Since My #Divorce

Because I’m at this crossroads… to date or not to date…

I’ve decided to learn more about myself.

I already know my childhood wasn’t ideal, but I know we all did the best we could do. I’m not perfect. My family isn’t perfect. I have no hard feelings.

I also hold no hard feelings toward my ex husband. He didn’t want to be with me anymore. Though I never would have left him, I’m not him. And I don’t want to be with somebody who doesn’t want to be with me. It’s pretty simple. Heartbreaking, but simple.

Searching for answers, I asked the two men dated after my divorce, “What was the hardest part about dating me?”

This is what they told me:

“I couldn’t get close to you.”

“You always kept me at arm’s distance.”

“You wouldn’t let me in.”

“You are very uptight.” (This one makes me laugh, because it is true. But I also like that about myself. I’m not go with the flow. I like structure. I like rules. I like order. But I also think I’m a lot of fun… Maybe I’m not that fun…)

“You’re too hard to get to know.”

“You were too quick to get upset, and you weren’t willing to talk things out.” (In my defense, deal-breaking issue, so yes, I walked away.)

“Never felt like you were really in it.”

After the multiple stabs in the heart from these guys, I had to sit with their truth.

I felt terrible.

I was fully engaged…. I wanted to be in these relationships. I believed I was very giving and loving and a very good partner.

They felt differently.

I was the common denominator. What I thought, didn’t matter. These two wonderful men felt the same way about me–I’m difficult.

I wondered if I was the same way toward my husband. Maybe he never felt close to me.

And then the crying started all over again.

Eve

Family and Depression… In the Beginning

I want out of my self-destructive cycle. I blame myself entirely.

Because I’m taking all the blame, taking all the responsibility, I’m also taking all the power to fix it.

How it started…

My dad died when I was young. My mom spent the rest of my childhood in depression… usually locked in her darkened bedroom. My (five-year) older brother was never around and left the house permanently as soon as he was able. I don’t blame him.

So basically, I was on my own. I was alone.

I had a roof over my head and cereal in the cupboard, but I raised myself.

I managed to fall in love and get married, but after twenty years, he decided he didn’t want to be married anymore.

I don’t understand why.

The divorce killed me. I loved him very much and trusted that we would always be together. Always take care of each other. Always love each other.

I still love him. I still miss him. I still cry for him.

We did not have children, and I’ve been alone now for five years. I’ve unsuccessfully dated two men, each lasting around five months, give or take.

I want to find love again.

In this five years away from my husband, I’ve managed to create a stable career in health and fitness.

I’m a personal trainer.

I’ve discovered that my work isn’t only about helping people physically, I help them emotionally too.

It appears I know how to help other people… but I don’t know how to help myself.

Is my ex holding me back? Did the divorce cause me to lack relationship confidence? Have I found comfort in loneliness, similar to my childhood?

I’m at a crossroads… Do I keep trying, or am I happier single?

Eve