The Men I’ve Dated Since My #Divorce

Because I’m at this crossroads… to date or not to date…

I’ve decided to learn more about myself.

I already know my childhood wasn’t ideal, but I know we all did the best we could do. I’m not perfect. My family isn’t perfect. I have no hard feelings.

I also hold no hard feelings toward my ex husband. He didn’t want to be with me anymore. Though I never would have left him, I’m not him. And I don’t want to be with somebody who doesn’t want to be with me. It’s pretty simple. Heartbreaking, but simple.

Searching for answers, I asked the two men dated after my divorce, “What was the hardest part about dating me?”

This is what they told me:

“I couldn’t get close to you.”

“You always kept me at arm’s distance.”

“You wouldn’t let me in.”

“You are very uptight.” (This one makes me laugh, because it is true. But I also like that about myself. I’m not go with the flow. I like structure. I like rules. I like order. But I also think I’m a lot of fun… Maybe I’m not that fun…)

“You’re too hard to get to know.”

“You were too quick to get upset, and you weren’t willing to talk things out.” (In my defense, deal-breaking issue, so yes, I walked away.)

“Never felt like you were really in it.”

After the multiple stabs in the heart from these guys, I had to sit with their truth.

I felt terrible.

I was fully engaged…. I wanted to be in these relationships. I believed I was very giving and loving and a very good partner.

They felt differently.

I was the common denominator. What I thought, didn’t matter. These two wonderful men felt the same way about me–I’m difficult.

I wondered if I was the same way toward my husband. Maybe he never felt close to me.

And then the crying started all over again.

Eve

Family and Depression… In the Beginning

I want out of my self-destructive cycle. I blame myself entirely.

Because I’m taking all the blame, taking all the responsibility, I’m also taking all the power to fix it.

How it started…

My dad died when I was young. My mom spent the rest of my childhood in depression… usually locked in her darkened bedroom. My (five-year) older brother was never around and left the house permanently as soon as he was able. I don’t blame him.

So basically, I was on my own. I was alone.

I had a roof over my head and cereal in the cupboard, but I raised myself.

I managed to fall in love and get married, but after twenty years, he decided he didn’t want to be married anymore.

I don’t understand why.

The divorce killed me. I loved him very much and trusted that we would always be together. Always take care of each other. Always love each other.

I still love him. I still miss him. I still cry for him.

We did not have children, and I’ve been alone now for five years. I’ve unsuccessfully dated two men, each lasting around five months, give or take.

I want to find love again.

In this five years away from my husband, I’ve managed to create a stable career in health and fitness.

I’m a personal trainer.

I’ve discovered that my work isn’t only about helping people physically, I help them emotionally too.

It appears I know how to help other people… but I don’t know how to help myself.

Is my ex holding me back? Did the divorce cause me to lack relationship confidence? Have I found comfort in loneliness, similar to my childhood?

I’m at a crossroads… Do I keep trying, or am I happier single?

Eve