Single and Soul Searching

I was hoping I’d meet a great man and live happily ever after.

That hasn’t happened… well, I’ve met great men.

So, the first part is going great, but the “living happily ever after” part, isn’t.

I’m the problem.

I decided to reconnect with a counselor I’d seen online. I had a few appointments with her during, and right after, my divorce. Needed a little help adjusting to my new life.

Counseling for me goes like this:

I set up a 25 minute appointment, get very clear on my top two issues, then while waiting for my appointment date, I continue to focus on my issues and try to find my own answers.

Issue #1

I run from my problems. I don’t want to communicate, because I fear a fight. Don’t want to fight, so it’s easier to run away… Especially when dealing with men I actually like.

Issue #2

I desperately miss the stability of being married. While married, I never felt the need to run.

~

During my appointment I learned:

Issue #1

I’m extremely sensitive. What I see as a problem, wouldn’t be a problem for a “normal” less-sensitive person.

Yikes! Hate to admit, but it made sense. Dang it!

“How do I become less sensitive?” I asked.

“No. You don’t want to be less sensitive; it’s a wonderful trait to have. You just need to be less reactive,” she said.

Wow. Got it. This is something I can do! Kind of exciting.

It’s fine that I’m sensitive, I’ll embrace that part of me, but I need to be less reactive. OK.

No problem.

So, for Lent, I gave up being reactive.

Since realizing this, there are times I want to react, but I stop myself.

Occasionally, I’ll send a reactive text to myself. And later, after rereading the text, I’m always thankful I didn’t send it to the intended.

I see now, that I’ve turned things into problems, that are not really problems at all… at least not for them. LOL

I need to CALM DOWN!!!

I decided to reach out to a man I prematurely dumped.

We are going on a date this weekend. 🙂

Work in progress…

Eve

Family and Depression… In the Beginning

I want out of my self-destructive cycle. I blame myself entirely.

Because I’m taking all the blame, taking all the responsibility, I’m also taking all the power to fix it.

How it started…

My dad died when I was young. My mom spent the rest of my childhood in depression… usually locked in her darkened bedroom. My (five-year) older brother was never around and left the house permanently as soon as he was able. I don’t blame him.

So basically, I was on my own. I was alone.

I had a roof over my head and cereal in the cupboard, but I raised myself.

I managed to fall in love and get married, but after twenty years, he decided he didn’t want to be married anymore.

I don’t understand why.

The divorce killed me. I loved him very much and trusted that we would always be together. Always take care of each other. Always love each other.

I still love him. I still miss him. I still cry for him.

We did not have children, and I’ve been alone now for five years. I’ve unsuccessfully dated two men, each lasting around five months, give or take.

I want to find love again.

In this five years away from my husband, I’ve managed to create a stable career in health and fitness.

I’m a personal trainer.

I’ve discovered that my work isn’t only about helping people physically, I help them emotionally too.

It appears I know how to help other people… but I don’t know how to help myself.

Is my ex holding me back? Did the divorce cause me to lack relationship confidence? Have I found comfort in loneliness, similar to my childhood?

I’m at a crossroads… Do I keep trying, or am I happier single?

Eve