I’m Bouncing Around… Distracted

love eves blog

I still miss my husband. I still cry sometimes.

I want love again, but I’m not finding the right fit. I’m not connecting.

I’m bouncing around dating, not dating, dating again. Offline, online, offline, online…

Luckily, I’m happy in my career as a personal trainer… I love helping other people.

I wish I could help myself.

My career is giving me the stability I crave. I’m so thankful. It’s the one thing that keeps me sane and gives my life meaning.

Being married gave my life meaning and gave me the stability I love so much.

My personal life chaos is from dating and talking/texting with a few (several) men at the same time. Some claim it’s the right way to go (play the field), but it isn’t the right way for me. I really only want to talk to one man at a time… I just want one man. The right man.

And I’m sure none of these men are right for me.

1-Middle-of-the-night-drunk texter… Fun, entertaining, but not a good fit.

2-He wants to see me and makes vague dates with me or says he’ll call, but he doesn’t follow through… mind f-ing. I need to get away and save myself.

3-One of the men I dated before… not sure why I’d even try he didn’t like me enough the first time.

4-Friend who could potentially be more, but he’s aloof and puts in zero effort… There is no point.

5-A man who lives in a different state. neither of us is moving soooo… No.

6-The man from the gym, another trainer, who continues to ask me out… not going to ruin my career or my happiness.

7-And that brings me back to my ex, who I still love, who will be in town in a month and wants to see me… I’m not sure what I’ll do.

Eve

Single and Soul Searching

I was hoping I’d meet a great man and live happily ever after.

That hasn’t happened… well, I’ve met great men.

So, the first part is going great, but the “living happily ever after” part, isn’t.

I’m the problem.

I decided to reconnect with a counselor I’d seen online. I had a few appointments with her during, and right after, my divorce. Needed a little help adjusting to my new life.

Counseling for me goes like this:

I set up a 25 minute appointment, get very clear on my top two issues, then while waiting for my appointment date, I continue to focus on my issues and try to find my own answers.

Issue #1

I run from my problems. I don’t want to communicate, because I fear a fight. Don’t want to fight, so it’s easier to run away… Especially when dealing with men I actually like.

Issue #2

I desperately miss the stability of being married. While married, I never felt the need to run.

~

During my appointment I learned:

Issue #1

I’m extremely sensitive. What I see as a problem, wouldn’t be a problem for a “normal” less-sensitive person.

Yikes! Hate to admit, but it made sense. Dang it!

“How do I become less sensitive?” I asked.

“No. You don’t want to be less sensitive; it’s a wonderful trait to have. You just need to be less reactive,” she said.

Wow. Got it. This is something I can do! Kind of exciting.

It’s fine that I’m sensitive, I’ll embrace that part of me, but I need to be less reactive. OK.

No problem.

So, for Lent, I gave up being reactive.

Since realizing this, there are times I want to react, but I stop myself.

Occasionally, I’ll send a reactive text to myself. And later, after rereading the text, I’m always thankful I didn’t send it to the intended.

I see now, that I’ve turned things into problems, that are not really problems at all… at least not for them. LOL

I need to CALM DOWN!!!

I decided to reach out to a man I prematurely dumped.

We are going on a date this weekend. 🙂

Work in progress…

Eve

I Stopped Texting Him… Now He’s Interested Again

So, the one I really liked (Liking Men Who Don’t Like Me Back) won’t stop texting, calling and asking me out.

But every time I say yes to him, he seems to lose interest in me all over again.

Now I’ve lost interest… In fact, I’ve lost interest in dating in general. I’m taking another break.

Although I’ve learned a lot about me, I still have a long way to go. I’m enjoying the journey. And I have enjoyed the dating; I think it has helped me discover more about myself.

Maybe a little drastic, but I deleted all men’s phone numbers from my phone so I won’t be tempted.

Surprisingly, I feel lighter and happier and more focused on my work and my life. WHO KNEW?!

Eve

A Phone Call From My Ex

My ex called me last night.

He told me he loved me.

I told him I loved him too.

He said he’d like to see me.

I said that would be nice.

He called me honey.

That surprised me.

I chalked it up as a moment of weakness.

I wasn’t weak.

~

If I get a couple of those phone calls, maybe I’ll have to put some thought into it.

He’s still the best man I’ve ever known.

But I’m hopeful I’ll meet another wonderful man who I can spend the rest of my life with.

For now, I’ll keep dating. I’ll keep working on me. I’ll keep working on my passions and career. I’ll keep spending time with friends.

And maybe, in a small corner in the back of my mind, I’ll wonder if my ex misses me. I’ll wonder if the time apart has made me a more attractive person. I’ll wonder if I have changed enough that I wouldn’t want him back or maybe I would…

Eve 

 

Liking Men Who Don’t Like Me Back

I’ve been dating a little.

I’ve found, for me, there are two types of men.

One type is ALL IN. He wants to lock it down before I’m ready. He’s 100% available and kind and loving and generous and slightly needy and amazing. But something is missing for me.

The other type, causes ME to be 100% available and kind and loving and generous and slightly needy and amazing. But something must be missing for him.

He causes me a lot of stress, because this one I like. (Do I want what I can’t have? Is it the chase? Or is it something deeper?)

He doesn’t seem interested.  He doesn’t text unless I text first. He doesn’t call anymore. He stopped making plans with me. But yet, he’s still hanging around. He says all the things I want to hear and continues to see me.

Don’t get the wrong idea, there is no sex. That will only happen after a talk, a test, and a commitment. I’m a slow mover, what can I say. 🙂

Today, I made the decision to stop texting.

He knows how I feel; I’ve made it obvious by my actions, how I treat him.

It is time for me to back away. I don’t have high hopes. And because of his behavior, I’m losing interest in him. I will never want to be with somebody who doesn’t want to be with me.

I will stay open to finding that happy medium… right in the middle of my two types… He’ll give me a little space, but always let me know he’s still in it.

Eve

The Men I’ve Dated Since My #Divorce

Because I’m at this crossroads… to date or not to date…

I’ve decided to learn more about myself.

I already know my childhood wasn’t ideal, but I know we all did the best we could do. I’m not perfect. My family isn’t perfect. I have no hard feelings.

I also hold no hard feelings toward my ex husband. He didn’t want to be with me anymore. Though I never would have left him, I’m not him. And I don’t want to be with somebody who doesn’t want to be with me. It’s pretty simple. Heartbreaking, but simple.

Searching for answers, I asked the two men dated after my divorce, “What was the hardest part about dating me?”

This is what they told me:

“I couldn’t get close to you.”

“You always kept me at arm’s distance.”

“You wouldn’t let me in.”

“You are very uptight.” (This one makes me laugh, because it is true. But I also like that about myself. I’m not go with the flow. I like structure. I like rules. I like order. But I also think I’m a lot of fun… Maybe I’m not that fun…)

“You’re too hard to get to know.”

“You were too quick to get upset, and you weren’t willing to talk things out.” (In my defense, deal-breaking issue, so yes, I walked away.)

“Never felt like you were really in it.”

After the multiple stabs in the heart from these guys, I had to sit with their truth.

I felt terrible.

I was fully engaged…. I wanted to be in these relationships. I believed I was very giving and loving and a very good partner.

They felt differently.

I was the common denominator. What I thought, didn’t matter. These two wonderful men felt the same way about me–I’m difficult.

I wondered if I was the same way toward my husband. Maybe he never felt close to me.

And then the crying started all over again.

Eve