Family and Depression… In the Beginning

I want out of my self-destructive cycle. I blame myself entirely.

Because I’m taking all the blame, taking all the responsibility, I’m also taking all the power to fix it.

How it started…

My dad died when I was young. My mom spent the rest of my childhood in depression… usually locked in her darkened bedroom. My (five-year) older brother was never around and left the house permanently as soon as he was able. I don’t blame him.

So basically, I was on my own. I was alone.

I had a roof over my head and cereal in the cupboard, but I raised myself.

I managed to fall in love and get married, but after twenty years, he decided he didn’t want to be married anymore.

I don’t understand why.

The divorce killed me. I loved him very much and trusted that we would always be together. Always take care of each other. Always love each other.

I still love him. I still miss him. I still cry for him.

We did not have children, and I’ve been alone now for five years. I’ve unsuccessfully dated two men, each lasting around five months, give or take.

I want to find love again.

In this five years away from my husband, I’ve managed to create a stable career in health and fitness.

I’m a personal trainer.

I’ve discovered that my work isn’t only about helping people physically, I help them emotionally too.

It appears I know how to help other people… but I don’t know how to help myself.

Is my ex holding me back? Did the divorce cause me to lack relationship confidence? Have I found comfort in loneliness, similar to my childhood?

I’m at a crossroads… Do I keep trying, or am I happier single?

Eve

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