Because I’m at this crossroads… to date or not to date…
I’ve decided to learn more about myself.
I already know my childhood wasn’t ideal, but I know we all did the best we could do. I’m not perfect. My family isn’t perfect. I have no hard feelings.
I also hold no hard feelings toward my ex husband. He didn’t want to be with me anymore. Though I never would have left him, I’m not him. And I don’t want to be with somebody who doesn’t want to be with me. It’s pretty simple. Heartbreaking, but simple.
Searching for answers, I asked the two men I’ve dated since my divorce, “What was the hardest part about dating me?”
This is what they told me:
“I couldn’t get close to you.”
“You always kept me at arm’s distance.”
“You wouldn’t let me in.”
“You are very uptight.” (This one makes me laugh, because it is true. But I also like that about myself. I’m not go with the flow. I like structure. I like rules. I like order. But I also think I’m a lot of fun… Maybe I’m not that fun…)
“You’re too hard to get to know.”
“You were too quick to get upset, and you weren’t willing to talk things out.” (In my defense, deal-breaking issue, so yes, I walked away.)
“Never felt like you were really in it.”
After the multiple stabs in the heart from these guys, I had to sit with their truth.
I felt terrible.
I was fully engaged…. I wanted to be in these relationships. I believed I was very giving and loving and a very good partner.
They felt differently.
I was the common denominator. What I thought, didn’t matter. These two wonderful men felt the same way about me–I’m difficult.
I wondered if I was the same way toward my husband. Maybe he never felt close to me.
And then the crying started all over again.